Monday Musings: Five Lessons from a Wife Whose Parents are Divorced

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Divorce sucks. When it happens, it affects everyone-not just the husband and wife. My parents divorced when I was in high school, and the experience hurt. But I learned a lot examining my parents marriage-the highs, the lows and its eventual end taught me a lot of lessons that I draw upon now as a wife. Hopefully these lessons help you too.

1. Communicate as Much as You Can

As an introvert, I struggle sometimes with communicating with my spouse. I find it easier to withhold my thoughts and feelings and retreat into the safety of my mind. But I learned its better for the relationship to talk about any concerns or thoughts you have. Because your spouse wont know how you’re feeling until you tell them. Satan comes to destroy your marriage. He hates unity. He will speak lies to you about your spouse and continue to tell them until you believe it.

Satan: “He doesn’t think you look good in that outfit. In fact he thinks you’re ugly and wishes he was with his ex.”

Wife: “Does he still think about his ex? Does he think I’m ugly?”

By communicating, you put a stop to these lies and get the truth from your spouse yourself instead of assuming. Don’t be afraid to be real with your spouse. Ask him directly, “do you think I’m beautiful?” And don’t be afraid to talk back to those lying thoughts.

Wife: “that’s not true! My husband thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Speaking of beauty, I’ve noticed insecurities can lead to assumptions. Which can also lead to arguments. Leading to my next point.

2. Assume the Best, Not the Worst

This one can be tricky because if you’re offended, its easy to assume your husband intentionally tried to hurt you. Especially if the offense is rooted in an insecurity. Insecurities are like healing scars: if you poke or pick at it, it’ll sting. If our spouse unintentionally (or intentionally) pokes at your insecurity, it can hurt a lot. The best thing to do is to first communicate with your spouse and tell them you were hurt by them. Try your best not to attack or assume they intentionally tried to hurt you. I’ve learned the best thing to do with insecurities is recognize them, and grow from it. Assuming things about your spouse can be perceived as disrespectful. You never want to disrespect your spouse.

3. Unconditional Respect

We’ve all heard of unconditional love, but what about unconditional respect? I’ve learned that respect and love are equally important in marriage. Even the apostle Paul talks about the importance of respect as being as important as love in marriage. He commands the husband in Ephesians 5:25-33 to “love his wife as Christ loved the church and died for it…let everyone of you love his wife even as himself.”

But he also adds in verse 33 “…and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” As wives, we are to respect our husbands. Yes, our husbands should respect us too, but Paul specifically commands wives to respect their husbands. Why would he say this? I believe its because he knew respect is as important to men as love is to women and there would be times where we don’t want to respect our husbands. I’ve learned that respect is something that, when lacking, can cause lasting damage in a marriage. It can cause spouses to be embittered by one another. If a person doesn’t feel respected, they will find respect elsewhere.

Respect, like love, is a basic marital need. There will be times when I don’t feel my husband deserves respect, but I give it because in marriage, respect isn’t earned its required. More on this love and respect principle can be viewed in this awesome book: “Love and Respect: the love she most desires and respect he desperately needs” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs which I’ve linked below.

Love and respect in marriage helps maintain unity in marriage like a glue. Glue is a perfect Segway to my next lesson, which is:

4. Keep the Unity

Unity is so important in marriage. I don’t just mean staying together forever. I also mean unity in goals for your lives. Before we got married, we spoke about life goals together and ensured we agreed on things like: children, pets, home ownership, debt, career goals, etc. We had to make sure we were both on the same page, or else we would not be unified on these topics. Jumping back on that respect point, I make sure never to disrespect or talk bad about my spouse to others including family. Because that will bring division. Speaking of family, family can be a cause of division in marriage. I spoke on this in a previous post called I married you, not your family

https://themustardseedwife.com/2021/09/17/i-married-you-not-your-family/

It’s important to set up appropriate boundaries with family members, and ensure the family knows your spouse is to be respected as another member of the family. An important  member of the marriage should be: Jesus.

5. Keep God in the Center

Keeping God in the center of your marriage will do wonders for your marriage and even before your marriage. Ask yourselves: Does God want us to be together in the first place?  Plead the blood of Jesus over your marriage daily. Pray for and with each other. Go to church together.

Make sure your heart is right with the Lord so you can love and serve your spouse the way you should. If you include God in your marriage, you will never be disappointed. Finally, the last one which is:

6. Divorce is Never an Option

Jason and I do as much as we can to ensure divorce is never an option for us. By not only implementing the lessons above, but also loving on each other, serving each other, keeping ourselves at our best so we maintain attraction for each other, and keeping our marriage first (after God). Of course, I understand there are instances where divorce should definitely happen, and God is able to make every broken situation into a beautiful one. I want to make sure I do everything I can to ensure its never an option.

Conclusion

Reiterating what I said above: I think divorce sucks. Divorce is like a bomb. Once its dropped it damages everything in its path: the children, the spouses, your finances, your home. So I want to do everything in my power to ensure divorce is not an option for myself and my husband.

Blessings,

M/M

Monday Musings: For Those Who Hate Being Single

Everyone has had that horrible feeling of scrolling through social media or walking down the street seeing a cute couple and thinking to yourself-I want that!

Everyone wants relationship goals: A hot guy or girl on your arm and a ring on your finger. I can relate. Before I got married, I hated being single. There were many nights I spent sadly scrolling through instagram looking at all the beautiful couples. But eventually, I was able to see the many perks of being single. And trust me, there are some perks! While marriage is awesome and I wouldn’t trade my husband for the world, I have to admit being single has a lot of perks.

1. You Have All the Time in the World

Folks who are single have boundless time compared to married people. Don’t get me wrong of course we all work, or go to school and other responsibilities. But being unmarried gives you the liberty to decide what you want to do with your time without consulting your spouse. So you can choose to go study abroad in France for a semester. Or go on a missions trip to Africa. You also have the freedom to explore your own desires and figure out what you want to do with your life. In retrospect, I wish I had travelled more when I was single. I had more free time, and time is a precious commodity. With free time, comes less responsibility.

2. Less Responsibility

Being single means you have a lot less responsibility compared to married people. Sure you may have bills, or take care of family members and such. But having a spouse comes with a whole host of other responsibilities. Since you’re joined to another person, you’re also joined to their responsibilities as well. When you’re married, you have to ensure that you and your spouse are fed, housed, bills are paid, appointments kept, and so on and so forth. Single people have (generally) less responsibility and gives you again, more time to yourself to do what you want to do. You can hang out with your friends as much as you want. You’re also more in charge of your money. You don’t have to consult with your spouse before making a huge purchase. So if your single and have the means, buy the Louis Vuitton shoes now lol.

3. Grow Closer to God

Finally, and most importantly, being single means you have more time to spend with God. Take a day to fast and spend time with the Lord—sure, why not? Spend the rest of the night studying Levitical priesthood? Heck yes! Plan a trip to Israel next year? Hello! When I was single, I spent sooo much more time with God compared to when I was married. The Apostle Paul even says about single Christian women that they desire to serve God more compared to married Christian women,

“There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit; but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:34).

When I was single, my desire was definitely to love on God as much as I could. God and I had movie nights, I would spend evenings fasting and praying; and I grew in my faith by leaps and bounds. This isn’t to say that you can’t continue to do these things in marriage, but its different. You have to consider what your husband might need or what you both have planned for the day, or what you need to do around the house. If I want to have a movie night with God, I’ll have to plan it out now. Growing in my faith takes a little more planning now that I’m married. Generally, EVERYTHING takes a lot more planning when you’re married compared to when you’re single.

I know how hard being single can be: you really, really want someone you can spend life with and love on. But Ecclesiastes 3:1 states, “for everything there is a time and a season.” If we put so much stock into getting married, and think our lives won’t begin until marriage; not only will you be wasting time to do the things God wants you to do NOW but you probably won’t get married because you’ve created an idol out of marriage. In Exodus 20:3 God says, “You will have no other gods before me.” God will withhold things from us if were creating gods out of them.

Trust me, I’ve been there so I get it. But when I stopped being hellbent on not being single-my life blossomed! I grew in my relationship with God, grew to love myself and know who I am in Christ, and volunteered a lot. And I got married once I stopped focusing so much on being married. You can do the same. If you have a desire to be married, I believe God gave you that desire. Psalm 37:4 says to “delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Notice what this promise says first-to delight yourself in the Lord FIRST. Then He will give you what you want.

For example, if you desire to preach the gospel to millions of people, its safe to say God placed that desire in your heart because He wants you to do that someday. And God will give you that desire: if you desire to preach the gospel to millions of people, He will make that happen. It’s the same with marriage. If you desire to be married, God will allow you to get married. But don’t let it be the end all be all. God should be our ultimate desire. When we have Him, we have everything.

The Marriage Gym: How Marriage Makes You a Stronger Christian

I never truly liked the gym. I go every week, but its not my favorite place to go to. What keeps me going every week then? My body needs it: the gym is where my muscles get worked and get stronger. So although I don’t like to go to the gym (especially early in the morning), I go because my body needs to get stronger.

When I first got married, I understood that marriage would be hard. I understood it would take alot of work. But, I didnt realize how marriage, in a way, is like a gym. The daily trials, struggles, and triumphs of marriage strengthens you as a Christian.

So let’s discuss three ways marriage can make you a stronger Christian.

1. Growing in Grace

When you get married, you learn to give grace to your spouse. Although its easy to forget this: none of us are perfect. We go into marriage thinking the world of our spouses. We think they can do no wrong and would never hurt us. But we forget that our spouses are humans-thus bound to make mistakes and fall short of expectations. When your spouse does something to offend you, and they apologize, give them grace in forgiveness. And forget it ever happened. Remember: they are still human! Although this sounds impossibly hard (I’m still growing in this area!), its doable with prayer and practice. Giving your spouse grace really helps your relationship in the long run. Because again, no one is perfect. We all need God’s grace. When we remember that, its not too hard to give grace after you’ve been hurt or offended, and it makes it easier to love your spouse in spite of their faults.

2. Learning to Love

Love is something that is truly powerful when experienced. When your spouse loves you even after your worst moments, its the best feeling ever. You can grow to truly love people starting with your spouse. Your spouse will annoy you, irritate you, anger you, and hurt you. But when you can look past that and love them anyway, your capacity to love grows so much more. My understanding of what true love is has grown so much since getting married: I believe my experience with loving and being loved by my husband has helped me to love people who are hard to love. Like mean customers at work, coworkers or rude people I run into in my day to day life. Loving, like forgiveness, isn’t always easy, but its definitely worth it.

3. Fortifying Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t easy for everybody. But when you live with your spouse, they are gonna make mistakes. Again, they will anger you, upset you, and/or annoy you (sometimes all in the same day!). But you’ll have to forgive them anyway. When I think of forgiveness, I try to consider my own actions in the past. I’ve done things to anger God, or anger others and needed forgiveness. So, why couldn’t I forgive my husband? While that’s so easy to say it could be very hard to do.

We sometimes cant think past our own hurts. But when we choose to forgive, we get so much freedom. Dr. Bob Enright, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, Madison has done a lot of research on forgiveness. He found that forgiveness is associated with reduced anxiety, depression and major psychiatric disorders, as well as with fewer physical health symptoms like pain, and lower death rates. I’ve learned that forgiveness (especially after a hard situation) is a process. You have to tell yourself to forgive, make yourself think differently about that person, and choose to think differently toward them. When we choose to forgive, we truly grow stronger in our Christian walk.

“While bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come.”

1 Timothy 4:8.

We all need exercise, the Bible says, but the most important exercise is spiritual exercise. And we all need it in order to be stronger Christians. Marriage is not just about having a best buddy to have fun with, or sex, or money, or prestige. All those things are wonderful and fruitful; but I believe God designed marriage to help us get stronger and to be more like Christ. The same is true with the gym as it is in marriage: its often easier to work out with a buddy than by yourself.