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It can be hard to wait to have sex before marriage. Especially when you face a daily bombardment  with of sex on tv shows, movies, music, music videos and books. Begging the question: should you consider no sex before marriage? Yes: let me tell you why. 

*This post is by no means to shame anyone who has not or chosen not to abstain from sex before marriage. On the contrary, I want to share some amazing benefits of abstaining from sex before marriage!* 

Stronger and Better Relationship

One benefit of not having sex before marriage is it strengthens your relationship. A 2010 study including 2,035 married participants who completed a questionnaire about their relationships revealed some insights into abstinence and marital benefits.

The researchers found, “couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship had relationship stability rated 22 percent higher, and relationship satisfaction was rated 20 percent higher.”

Dean Busby the lead researcher further elaborated, “There’s more to a relationship than sex, but we did find that those who waited longer were happier with the sexual aspect of their relationship.”

There is more to a relationship than sex: compatibility, life goals, morals, and values. Abstaining from sex allows you to learn other things about your spouse other than their anatomy. Which leads to my next point.

Strengthen Communication Skills

When you’re focused on other things other than sex you can learn a lot about your partner! What they like and dislike, and if you two are truly compatible or not. Which is another benefit of not having sex before marriage.

The study mentioned above revealed that couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship had 12% better communication. If you need a few conversation starters for you and your partner, check out my blog post here!

Learn Self-Discipline

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.” 1 Thessalonians 4: 3  

Another benefit of not having sex before marriage is you learn self-discipline. An area I’m growing in. If you’re wanting to be more disciplined, no other way than to practice abstinence. Self-discipline is especially important in marriage.

There will be times when you have to exercise self-discipline by holding your tongue and not lashing out against your spouse, or by holding your wallet and not spending a load of money on Shein.com when you’re on a budget (as in my case!).

Better Sex

One pretty important benefit of not having sex before marriage is once you get married, the sex can be better compared to couples’ sex lives who didn’t wait.

The aforementioned study found that compared to couples who didn’t wait until marriage to have sex, sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 percent better.

It makes sense. When you don’t have anyone else to compare your sexual experiences with, your sexual relationship with your spouse can grow unhindered. 

Bonus-God Warns Against Premarital Sex

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4 

If you’re a Christian, you know that the bible warns against premarital sex. God doesn’t say this to hurt us, or because He doesn’t want us to have fun. It’s because He cares for us and wants to protect us.  

I once heard a pastor describe sex as a fire: when in a controlled environment like a fireplace with a gate, it can be enjoyed for warmth and for making s’mores!

But when in an uncontrolled environment, fire can cause great harm: burning everything in its wake. In the confines of a committed marriage, sex can bring a lot of benefits. But outside of the confines of marriage, there is risk. Its up to you to decide if the risks outweigh the benefits.

Blessings,

M/M

Photo by Taryn Elliott on Pexels.com

It can be hard to wait to have sex before marriage. Especially when you face a daily bombardment  with of sex on tv shows, movies, music, music videos and books. Begging the question: should you consider no sex before marriage? Yes: let me tell you why. 

*This post is by no means to shame anyone who has not or chosen not to abstain from sex before marriage. On the contrary, I want to share some amazing benefits of abstaining from sex before marriage!* 

Stronger and Better Relationship

One benefit of not having sex before marriage is it strengthens your relationship. A 2010 study including 2,035 married participants who completed a questionnaire about their relationships revealed some insights into abstinence and marital benefits.

The researchers found, “couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship had relationship stability rated 22 percent higher, and relationship satisfaction was rated 20 percent higher.”

Dean Busby the lead researcher further elaborated, “There’s more to a relationship than sex, but we did find that those who waited longer were happier with the sexual aspect of their relationship.”

There is more to a relationship than sex: compatibility, life goals, morals, and values. Abstaining from sex allows you to learn other things about your spouse other than their anatomy. Which leads to my next point.

Strengthen Communication Skills

When you’re focused on other things other than sex you can learn a lot about your partner! What they like and dislike, and if you two are truly compatible or not. Which is another benefit of not having sex before marriage.

The study mentioned above revealed that couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship had 12% better communication. If you need a few conversation starters for you and your partner, check out my blog post here!

Learn Self-Discipline

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.” 1 Thessalonians 4: 3  

Another benefit of not having sex before marriage is you learn self-discipline. An area I’m growing in. If you’re wanting to be more disciplined, no other way than to practice abstinence. Self-discipline is especially important in marriage.

There will be times when you have to exercise self-discipline by holding your tongue and not lashing out against your spouse, or by holding your wallet and not spending a load of money on Shein.com when you’re on a budget (as in my case!).

Better Sex

One pretty important benefit of not having sex before marriage is once you get married, the sex can be better compared to couples’ sex lives who didn’t wait.

The aforementioned study found that compared to couples who didn’t wait until marriage to have sex, sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 percent better.

It makes sense. When you don’t have anyone else to compare your sexual experiences with, your sexual relationship with your spouse can grow unhindered. 

Bonus-God Warns Against Premarital Sex

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4 

If you’re a Christian, you know that the bible warns against premarital sex. God doesn’t say this to hurt us, or because He doesn’t want us to have fun. It’s because He cares for us and wants to protect us.  

I once heard a pastor describe sex as a fire: when in a controlled environment like a fireplace with a gate, it can be enjoyed for warmth and for making s’mores!

But when in an uncontrolled environment, fire can cause great harm: burning everything in its wake. In the confines of a committed marriage, sex can bring a lot of benefits. But outside of the confines of marriage, there is risk. Its up to you to decide if the risks outweigh the benefits.

Blessings,

M/M

Want to Find Love in 2022? Look no Further!

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Are you looking for love this year? Many people want to find love but don’t know how to find that special someone. Look no further than the five easy points below!

Be Friendly

This one is pretty simple but often overlooked! Proverbs 18: 24 says, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly.”

If you want to find love, you’ll want to be friendly. Simple enough, right? Often, before people get into a relationship or get married, they will be friends first. Or the couple will have met through mutual friends. This was the case for my spouse and I.

I talk more about this in my Youtube video about Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds who also were friends before getting married. Check that out here!

Research also supports this. A recent study including 1,900 adults found that “for 68% of them, their current or most recent relationship began as a friendship.” Having friends is important for healthy lives. But keep in mind that your current (or even past) friendships could be how you find love. More on being friendly later.

Be Open

If you want to find love, it’s important to be open to finding love anywhere. If you’re a Christian, you will involve God in your love life. He may lead you to go on a dating app (or get off a dating app).

Proverbs 3:5-6 says to “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

Be open to find love in at work, or on social media, or even on a dating website! You can find love anywhere. If you have completely written off some of these things, maybe give them another shot?

Also, be open about what you are looking for which leads to my next point.

Be Honest

Be honest about who you are and what you want. Ask yourself hard questions. Such as:

What type of person is best for you? Are you allowing people into your life who will challenge you to be better? Are you allowing people into your life who will encourage, love, and support you?

Or are you allowing people who are not the best for you? Have there been red flags you’ve ignored because you don’t want to be alone?

Are you looking for a relationship because you want to fill a void in your life? Do you need to get some healing before your next relationship? Not only that, but be sure of what you need-the type of person you need in your life.

I’ve asked myself some of these questions. These are just some questions to ask yourself before getting into a relationship.

Be-autiful

This next point is a little controversial but here me out! You should be the best version of yourself. Here is an important point to remember:

People cannot read minds.

Okay?

Thus, how you present yourself to others matters. People will judge you based on how you look. I’m not saying you have to look like the blonde, thin models on magazines because we’re not all built that way. I am saying to be the healthiest version of yourself and present yourself in a way that demonstrates your character and beauty.

Need style advice? Check out outfits and looks on Pinterest!

Not only that, but watch your body language. most experts agree that 70 to 93 percent of all communication is nonverbal. Going back to my point on being friendly, if you’re trying to find love don’t look unfriendly.

Important body language cues to remember:

Smile, keep your stance open, try to keep your arms unfolded, feet pointed towards the person, and maintain eye contact when communicating with people to show interest and friendliness. Don’t be super desperate but keep this in mind when you’re talking to people in general.

Be Spirit-Led

Finally, if you want to find love be spirit-led. I talked about this extensively in my post how I met the one which you can read here.

Like I noted above, Proverbs 3:5-6 says to “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

God wants the best for us. When you allow the One who knows your end from your beginning (Isaiah 46: 10), you will not be disappointed. I am a testament of that.

Conclusion

In a time where the world is more connected than ever, it seems to be difficult to find the one. Maybe because there are so many options available? If you are trying to find love, I’m here to encourage you that it’s never too late. Utilize these points above to help in your search!

Blessings,

Michelle

How Satan Plans to Destroy Your Marriage Through Your Mind

The Bible tells us in John 10:10 that Satan comes to steal , kill, and destroy. He doesnt just want to destroy your life, he also wants to destroy your marriage.

Why?

Everything good that God creates, Satan hates. He wants to twist it, and make it evil. Not only that, but he hates unity, and will di anything to divide your marriage. Don’t let him do that to your marriage!

Satan is very crafty, and cunning. He won’t attack you right in the open so you know its him. He will be stealthy. The Bible warns us to be aware of Satan’s tricks unless he’ll trip us up. And he will often use us as the enemy to drive us away from our spouses.

What are some of Satan’s tricks to destroy your marriage? Let’s see.

He’ll Attack Your Thoughts

I once heard a pastor teach how Satan attacks your thinking. He said Satan will speak thoughts into your head in a way that sounds like its you thinking those things.

Thoughts like,

“My husband is an idiot.”

“He doesn’t think I’m pretty.”

Of course, these thoughts could be from you or from Satan. Either way, talk back to yourself-“my husband is not an idiot.” Or ask your husband, “do you think I’m pretty?” To get the reassurance you need.

The Bible calls us to take control over our unruly thoughts in 2 Corinthians 10:5,

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…”

Satan dwells in the shadows. Expose his little lies by simply going to your partner and seeking the truth yourself. He’s riding on you dwelling on these thoughts for hours and days, and eventually believing them to be true.

Which is why the Bible also commands us to only think on good, positive things in Philippians 4:8,

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Again, its so important to be watching what you think. Watching your thoughts will also reveal what demonic spirit could be trying to influence you.

Watch Your Thoughts

Demons can identify themselves by the thoughts you hear in your mind. You can tell the thoughts are not your own usually if they are something you’ve never thoguht before, something way out of left field, or dramatic.

Such as:

-constant angry thoughts could be a sign of a spirit of anger

-sinful thoughts

-thoughts of harm

If you notice any of these thoughts pop into your head, rebuke them and speak Philippians 4:8 mentioned above. It’s important to not consider these thoughts for a moment, and to rebuke them.

Also, sometimes evil thoughts can be from us since we are inherently sinful. But sometimes spirits do come and try to influence us. If you entertain them you will have a problem. And if you give them a way in through what you watch or listen to, that’s another problem.

Be Careful What You Watch

Certain tv shows, music, and movies can open up a door way for Satan to come in. Such as?

-Movies or shows that invoke spirit of fear like horror movies

-Porn or other sexually explicit entertainment

Horror movies because God doesn’t call us to a spirit of fear as 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us,

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Porn because the Bible warns us to run from sexual immorality in 1 Corinthians 6:18. “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”

“But its just a movie.”

“it’s Just a show!”

You might be lamenting. What you watch and listen to can affect how you think about yourself and others.

Why do I think my husband is a bozo after watching Real Housewives of Atlanta all week (just an example, I hate reality tv)? Or why do I think my husband could be cheating on me after watching Tyler Perry’s Temptation?

That’s why King David wisely said in Psalms 101:3, “I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me.”

The things we watch, and listen to can have an effect on us and be an opening for Satan to destroy our marriages through our minds.

Conclusion

All wisdom comes from God. If youre unsure about a tv show, movie, someone in your life, or even going somewhere, ask the Lord for wisdom. Does he want you to continue watching or listening to that?

Before you leave the house every day Put on the whole armor of God daily (Ephesians 6:11-18). Ask the Lord to give you discernment to know what is good and what is evil.

God wants us to have happy marriages. Don’t let little thoughts these sink root in your mind and cause an argument, or a root of bitterness in yourself and your marriage. Expose these lies for what they are and live free!

Blessings,

M/M

Bible Verses for Your Worst Days in Marriage

Marriage can be tough. Really tough. But the Bible is an amazing resource to help you keep your marriage strong.

The Bible can be used for every area of our lives: including marriage. Check out the following Bible verses for your worst days in marriage.

When You Don’t Want to Forgive

Forgive your spouse, although you may not want to

We all mess up. It takes acknowledgement of that to forgive someone else: especially loved ones.

If you’re struggling to forgive, start by praying for your spouse. When Jesus was on the cross, He prayed for his murderers and accusers for God to forgive them.

Forgiveness is mostly for you. Unforgiveness can easily lead to bitterness. Plus, in marriage you or your spouse are bound to mess up.

None of us are perfect and we all mess up. Forgiving one another needs to be something we do on a daily basis.

Doing so will prevent us from harboring unforgiveness which can lead to not only bitterness, but also a lack of love. Which leads to my next point.

When You Want to Don’t Want to Love Your Spouse

When you’re hurt or annoyed by your spouse, it can be hard to show love for them. But God commands us to love each other. In spite of our faults, and hurts.

It’s important to show love. Loving each other in spite of our faults will grow you to another level as a christian and a spouse. Which leads to my next point: when your spouse is wrong about something.

When Your Spouse is Wrong

For me, if I feel my spouse is wrong about something and they dont agree, instead of arguing I go pray. The Lord can bring peace to any situation. Prayer works.

Doing this brings peace to me as well that the situation is in God’s hands. It also helps me from being so angry.

And after you pray for your spouse, show them love. Cook dinner, help them throughout the day. Be good to them still, which will not only shower on guilt but get them thinking about the disagreement. As the next verse explains,

Conclusion

Marriage can be hard, but the Bible provides instructions for your worst days in marriage.

Study these verses, and do what it says and it could help you and your marriage grow better. So study these verses, pray them over you and your spouse. For more verses for wives to know check out this post.

Blessings,

M/M

Couple Fights-How to Argue as a Couple

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Couples are bound to argue. Being able to fight in marriage or any relationship is so crucial to a healthy marriage or relationship. Are you ready to learn how to have couple fights? Let’s get started.

Do We Both feel Understood?

Make sure you’re arguing without blaming or criticizing each other but arguing to understand what each other are feeling.

Example of what not to say in a couple fight:

“You’re always thinking about yourself! You never think about me.”

“You think I’m a bad person.”

“You hate me!”

Notice these statements are very criticizing and make assumptions. Do your best to avoid making assumptions about why your spouse did something-you won’t know for sure why someone does something until you ask them. 

Do not criticize your spouse. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, created a list of four things that lead to divorce, or the four horsemen of divorce. 

Criticism is one of the four horsemen of divorce. There’s a difference between offering a critique, and criticizing: critique comes from a partner who seeks to help their partner be better, while criticizing comes from a partner who seeks to put down their partner. 

Example of what to say in a couple fight:

“I felt this way because…”

“I thought this when you did this…”

These statements are questioning. This partner is trying to understand why their partner did something or said something. 

Be like a detective, try to solve the why of what happened or what was said. Turn all that anger and frustration into a drive to understand why your partner did what they did. Seeking to understand is also important because it ensures respect. Which is the next point.

Are We Respecting Each Other?

A big part of love is respect. When you respect someone you won’t make them feel stupid. Make sure you’re respecting each other even when you don’t agree with them! 

If you feel disrespected in an argument, you both have already lost because disrespect easily leads to contempt. And contempt is one of the four horseman of divorce. 

You and your partner are two different people with different backgrounds, experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc. so it would make sense you both would disagree on things! 

But just because you’re different doesn’t mean you should disrespect each other. Work to respect each other’s opinions and feelings. Learn more about respecting your husband in my post here.

If you feel particularly heated, take a five minute break to blow off steam, separate and gather your thoughts together. But DONT stonewall: stonewalling is when you completely shut down in an argument.

Stonewalling is another horseman of divorce. This is an easy way out that should never be taken because nothing gets solved that way-you’re not communicating anymore. So no one wins. Winning is the final goal!

Do We Both Win?

You should (or try to) argue with a goal in mind. Notably, this can take a lot of self-control especially if you’re angry. It can be easy to get defensive, and be blind to your own feelings (we’ve all been there).

Defensiveness is one of the four horsemen of divorce. Defensiveness causes division between you and your spouse when you should be united. So, try to argue with a goal in mind. Don’t let the goal be to blow off at each other. 

Instead come up with a compromise. That way there won’t be one winner at the end of a couple fight-there should be two winners. 

Conclusion

I believe arguments can be productive. You can end an argument amicably. If you need to bring a person in who can be unbiased. Respect, seeking to understand, and ensuring you both win is so important to ensure you and your partner argue well. If you want to read more on communicating better with your partner, check out Dr. Gottman’s book below on the four horsemen of divorce. 

*Bonus tip: don’t go to bed angry!

Blessings,

M/M

Best Advice for Newlyweds: 8 Tips for a Great Start!

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Getting married is such a huge milestone in life! With the joy, and love you feel after you get married it’s important to keep in mind that marriage takes work. The first year of marriage is often touted as the hardest year. Probably because 40-50% of marriages end in divorce in the first year (roughly 10%). So with that in mind, here is the best advice for newlyweds.

Communicate Often and Without Blaming

I never like to beat a dead horse, but communication is so important in marriage.  Miscommunications or not communicating at all can be a cause of a plethora of problems in marriage. Especially in your first year when you’re still getting to know your spouse.

Talk about everything with your spouse-your fears, your worries, your plans. You can never over-communicate. Your spouse could be your best friend if you both are open, honest, and truthful with each other. Not harboring bad thoughts or feelings about them or assuming things-Which leads to the next point. Do not assume!

2. Assume the best, not the worst 

This is a big one. This tip is some of the best advice for newlyweds because it’s easy to assume your spouse wishes to do you wrong when it happens. But it’s harder to think otherwise. Most spouses are good and don’t truly hope to bring harm to their spouses. Yet we often assume our spouse intends to hurt us. 

So, try to assume the best when a situation arises, and ask questions like: “it hurt when you said this, did you mean to say that?” or “it hurt me when you did this.” Let the emphasis be on how you felt in the situation, not on attacking them for making you feel that way.  

3. Create Boundaries

The next tip is very important: boundaries. Like I mentioned in my article “How to have healthy boundaries in marriage.”  

Definitely check that out for more information on this topic. The best advice for newlyweds would definitely be boundaries! Boundaries are very important when you get married. They ensure that you and your spouse can have a peaceful home and marriage where you both establish a new family while still included the extended family of parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.

These boundaries can be upheld by maintaining respect for your spouse among family and friends, and setting up physical boundaries (I.e., not living with family or friends if you can help it) and nonphysical boundaries (I.e., not gossiping about your spouse to family or friends).

4. Don’t go to Bed Angry

A simple, but effective tip! It forces you to communicate and work things out without the luxury of waiting until tomorrow. The bible even warns this in Ephesians 4:26, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”  

5. Have Common Goals

Having common goals with your spouse not only keeps you both on the same page but it gives you something to look forward to. Tell your spouse what you want out of life: do you want kids in five years? Do you never want to own a house? It’s important to bring up important life goals so you both have something to look forward to and work toward.  

6. Do Life Together

Having common goals allows you to do life together. Your marriage should never feel like a glorified roommate situation. If it does, try to start doing life together- involve your spouse in your desires and goals for yourself and make it a joint effort. With the help of your spouse (and their input) reaching your goals could be a lot easier.  

7. Be Your Spouse’s Dream Person

This tip is one of the most important in my opinion. Be the best version of your spouse. You’re going to be married for life and you never want to get bored with your spouse or they get bored with you.

Do your best to be your best! Take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. Make it a priority to keep up with your appearance. Of course, with age, our bodies change, but I believe you can be attractive to your spouse at any age. This leads to my next point: never stop pursuing each other. 

8. Always Pursue Each Other

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You can be as flirtatious as you want with your spouse. Like communication, you can never flirt too much. Send each other texts, leave messages around the house or in the car for each other. Tell your spouse he’s the finest man you’ve ever met. Let him know every day how much you adore them. Never stop pursuing. No one wants a dull marriage where you’re with each other just to be with each other.  Make your marriage fun!  

It’s important to know that these tips will be somewhat easy to do when you’re newlyweds. But make these tips lifetime priorities. Especially pursuing your spouse.  

Blessings,

M/M

Marriage Gym: Is Work Getting in the Way of Intimacy?

We all have to work, right? I mean we gotta work to survive and thrive. Some of us have jobs that we really love, and some of us have jobs (or school) that can be pretty demanding. There is nothing wrong with having a job that you love and are passionate about. But there is always a danger of work getting in the way of intimacy with your partner.

I’ve experienced this with my husband. He loves his job in insurance, but he is in a season where he works 12-13 hour days. His work schedule can be pretty hard because we’re not spending as much time together than we usually do. So we have had to work a little harder to promote intimacy with each other. Here are a few things we’ve done to encourage intamcy and continue to strengthen our marriage.

1. Communicate Your Love

Like the late songbird Whitney Houston sang, “how do I know that he really loves me?” You won’t know unless your told! My husband and I need reassurance that we still love and are attracted to each other. You can do this by leaving little notes for your partner to see: write a love message on a sticky note, or text them a sweet message, or surprise them with a small gift or card. A little goes a long way. Leave no room for speculation or doubt by telling your partner directly you love them.

2. Carve Out Time for Each Other

I know there can be times where it feels like we literally have no time to even breathe or eat, but its important to make time for the ones we love. When there’s a will, there’s a way. Even if its just an hour or two to share a cup of coffee together in the morning, or a saturday night to watch a movie together, or do something new together. Make the time. There’s an old saying that goes like this: love is spelled: T-I-M-E.

3. Cuddle More

Studies show cuddling is a great way to deepen love between spouses. Cuddling (hugging as well) releases the brain hormone oxytocin. This hormone makes you feel a connection with your spouse and deepens intimacy. Dr. Katherine Harmon studies the power of touch and found that cuddling also is shown to reduce anxiety and stress by increasing brain hormones like oxcytocin and dopamine (which makes you feel good) and lowers cortisol (a stress hormone)which could give you a better sleep. So if youre feeling especially disconnected from your spouse, get your cuddle (or hugging) on! Cuddle your spouse in the evenings and mornings before you start your day.

Intimacy is so important in marriage. When we’re married and just living our lives, its easy to get comfortable with our spouses and feel like we dont have to work too hard to woo our spouse anymore. Dont fall for that trap! Work to continue to woo your spouse and love on your spouse. But, intimacy is important outside of marriage too: if you have a boyfriend or friend or family member you’re not spending as much time with, find time to reach out or spend time with them whenever possible.

Blessings,

M/M

The Ultimate List of Questions to Ask Before You Get Married!

At the Mustard Seed Wife, marriage is a key topic of discussion here. I’ve been married for a little over a year now, and before I got married there were many things my now husband and I discussed that prepared us for marriage. These questions asked were invaluable in our now marriage. Discussing these things not only prepared us for our future together, but they also helped us better understand each other.

Where are We at Financially??

This is an extremely open-ended question that can be answered many ways. Here are some more questions in the realm of finances:

·        How much is your total debt (i.e. credit cards, car loan, personal loans, student loans, etc)?

·        What is your current job and what job do you want to have in the near future (and will it require further schooling?)

·       How much do you save? 

·       How do you budget your paycheck? 

·       Do you have a future savings plan (i.e. 401k, life insurance)?

·       Where are we gonna stay after we get married?

·       How much will we both be making together in marriage?

Finances are a HUGE aspect of marriage. It’s so important to talk about this as money problems are one of the top reasons for divorce according to clinical psychologist Elizabeth Cohen. You don’t want to have financial disagreements in marriage. Disagreements are bound to happen, but how you handle them is what matters most; which leads to the next question.

How do We Handle Conflict and Disagreements?

Since none of us are the same, we are bound to disagree on something. With disagreements or arguments, its important to keep a few things in mind:

·       Is this an argument or a debate?

When you have a disagreement, there should be an end goal in mind: reconciliation and understanding. Try not to have an argument with the goal of coming up on top or being the winner. There should be two winners after an argument not one. Because a marriage is a partnership and if one person loses, everyone loses. 

·       Do we both feel respected and heard?

In disagreements, its important not to look down on the other person. This is a form of disrespect that can also translate to contempt. No one wants to feel looked down on, especially by your spouse. Contempt can also cause feelings of loneliness and make you feel unsupported by your spouse. Which sucks and according to Dr. Elizabeth Cohen is another reason for divorce.

Effective communication, especially during an argument is crucial to a successful marriage. If a partner makes you feel like they’re looking down on you or not making you feel heard, those are some red flags. 

Are There any Red Flags?

This is more of a question to ask yourself. And to ask your family and friends who have met your partner. And to pray about: What do these people (and God) think of your partner? Keep in mind, that the decision to be with someone is ultimately yours to make: not your friend’s or family’s decision. But if you or anyone in your life notices any red flags, its important to consider them. 

Are We On the Same Page with Key Topics?

Yes, you gotta bring up the juicy stuff before you get married!

·       Do you want kids? And if so, when and how many?

·       Do you want pets? What kind and when?

·       How do you feel about weapons in the home?

·       How frequently will we have family or friends over?

·       What do boundaries with family look like?(side note: check out my post on boundaries with family here.)

·       How do you feel about going to church? And what is your relationship with God like?

These questions are key topics that should definitely be discussed sooner rather than later. Trust me, it’ll save you some awkward moments and difficult disagreements in the future. When you’re done asking those questions, then you can get onto the exciting questions regarding: the wedding!

How Long do You Want to Wait Before We Get Married?

Photo by SplitShire on Pexels.com

·       How long between engagement and the wedding day?

·       How much money should we spend on the wedding?

·       How many people should we invite? And who?

These questions are very important. Some folks are okay with a short time frame between getting together and getting married. While other people may want to wait years before getting married. Citing financial reasons, or school reasons, etc. while I believe you don’t have to wait too long before you get married (which I’ll speak on in my next post), its important you and your partner are on the right page in regard to this. Also, weddings are expensive! So make sure you guys are on the same page in regard to a budget for your special day!

Unity is the goal in marriage. While it may feel awkward or cringe to ask some of these questions to your partner, asking them will ensure unity and a healthy marriage through communication and discussion of these key topics. 

Plus, you never want to assume you and our partner are on the same page about anything. Again, you two are completely different people with different life experiences and thought patterns. Although you two may have a lot in common, its important to consider yo will disagree on certain things and discuss it sooner rather than later. 

Blessingss,

M/M

Monday Musings: Five Lessons from a Wife Whose Parents are Divorced

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Divorce sucks. When it happens, it affects everyone-not just the husband and wife. My parents divorced when I was in high school, and the experience hurt. But I learned a lot examining my parents marriage-the highs, the lows and its eventual end taught me a lot of lessons that I draw upon now as a wife. Hopefully these lessons help you too.

1. Communicate as Much as You Can

As an introvert, I struggle sometimes with communicating with my spouse. I find it easier to withhold my thoughts and feelings and retreat into the safety of my mind. But I learned its better for the relationship to talk about any concerns or thoughts you have. Because your spouse wont know how you’re feeling until you tell them. Satan comes to destroy your marriage. He hates unity. He will speak lies to you about your spouse and continue to tell them until you believe it.

Satan: “He doesn’t think you look good in that outfit. In fact he thinks you’re ugly and wishes he was with his ex.”

Wife: “Does he still think about his ex? Does he think I’m ugly?”

By communicating, you put a stop to these lies and get the truth from your spouse yourself instead of assuming. Don’t be afraid to be real with your spouse. Ask him directly, “do you think I’m beautiful?” And don’t be afraid to talk back to those lying thoughts.

Wife: “that’s not true! My husband thinks I’m the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Speaking of beauty, I’ve noticed insecurities can lead to assumptions. Which can also lead to arguments. Leading to my next point.

2. Assume the Best, Not the Worst

This one can be tricky because if you’re offended, its easy to assume your husband intentionally tried to hurt you. Especially if the offense is rooted in an insecurity. Insecurities are like healing scars: if you poke or pick at it, it’ll sting. If our spouse unintentionally (or intentionally) pokes at your insecurity, it can hurt a lot. The best thing to do is to first communicate with your spouse and tell them you were hurt by them. Try your best not to attack or assume they intentionally tried to hurt you. I’ve learned the best thing to do with insecurities is recognize them, and grow from it. Assuming things about your spouse can be perceived as disrespectful. You never want to disrespect your spouse.

3. Unconditional Respect

We’ve all heard of unconditional love, but what about unconditional respect? I’ve learned that respect and love are equally important in marriage. Even the apostle Paul talks about the importance of respect as being as important as love in marriage. He commands the husband in Ephesians 5:25-33 to “love his wife as Christ loved the church and died for it…let everyone of you love his wife even as himself.”

But he also adds in verse 33 “…and the wife see that she reverence her husband.” As wives, we are to respect our husbands. Yes, our husbands should respect us too, but Paul specifically commands wives to respect their husbands. Why would he say this? I believe its because he knew respect is as important to men as love is to women and there would be times where we don’t want to respect our husbands. I’ve learned that respect is something that, when lacking, can cause lasting damage in a marriage. It can cause spouses to be embittered by one another. If a person doesn’t feel respected, they will find respect elsewhere.

Respect, like love, is a basic marital need. There will be times when I don’t feel my husband deserves respect, but I give it because in marriage, respect isn’t earned its required. More on this love and respect principle can be viewed in this awesome book: “Love and Respect: the love she most desires and respect he desperately needs” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs which I’ve linked below.

Love and respect in marriage helps maintain unity in marriage like a glue. Glue is a perfect Segway to my next lesson, which is:

4. Keep the Unity

Unity is so important in marriage. I don’t just mean staying together forever. I also mean unity in goals for your lives. Before we got married, we spoke about life goals together and ensured we agreed on things like: children, pets, home ownership, debt, career goals, etc. We had to make sure we were both on the same page, or else we would not be unified on these topics. Jumping back on that respect point, I make sure never to disrespect or talk bad about my spouse to others including family. Because that will bring division. Speaking of family, family can be a cause of division in marriage. I spoke on this in a previous post called I married you, not your family

https://themustardseedwife.com/2021/09/17/i-married-you-not-your-family/

It’s important to set up appropriate boundaries with family members, and ensure the family knows your spouse is to be respected as another member of the family. An important  member of the marriage should be: Jesus.

5. Keep God in the Center

Keeping God in the center of your marriage will do wonders for your marriage and even before your marriage. Ask yourselves: Does God want us to be together in the first place?  Plead the blood of Jesus over your marriage daily. Pray for and with each other. Go to church together.

Make sure your heart is right with the Lord so you can love and serve your spouse the way you should. If you include God in your marriage, you will never be disappointed. Finally, the last one which is:

6. Divorce is Never an Option

Jason and I do as much as we can to ensure divorce is never an option for us. By not only implementing the lessons above, but also loving on each other, serving each other, keeping ourselves at our best so we maintain attraction for each other, and keeping our marriage first (after God). Of course, I understand there are instances where divorce should definitely happen, and God is able to make every broken situation into a beautiful one. I want to make sure I do everything I can to ensure its never an option.

Conclusion

Reiterating what I said above: I think divorce sucks. Divorce is like a bomb. Once its dropped it damages everything in its path: the children, the spouses, your finances, your home. So I want to do everything in my power to ensure divorce is not an option for myself and my husband.

Blessings,

M/M

Monday Musings: For Those Who Hate Being Single

Everyone has had that horrible feeling of scrolling through social media or walking down the street seeing a cute couple and thinking to yourself-I want that!

Everyone wants relationship goals: A hot guy or girl on your arm and a ring on your finger. I can relate. Before I got married, I hated being single. There were many nights I spent sadly scrolling through instagram looking at all the beautiful couples. But eventually, I was able to see the many perks of being single. And trust me, there are some perks! While marriage is awesome and I wouldn’t trade my husband for the world, I have to admit being single has a lot of perks.

1. You Have All the Time in the World

Folks who are single have boundless time compared to married people. Don’t get me wrong of course we all work, or go to school and other responsibilities. But being unmarried gives you the liberty to decide what you want to do with your time without consulting your spouse. So you can choose to go study abroad in France for a semester. Or go on a missions trip to Africa. You also have the freedom to explore your own desires and figure out what you want to do with your life. In retrospect, I wish I had travelled more when I was single. I had more free time, and time is a precious commodity. With free time, comes less responsibility.

2. Less Responsibility

Being single means you have a lot less responsibility compared to married people. Sure you may have bills, or take care of family members and such. But having a spouse comes with a whole host of other responsibilities. Since you’re joined to another person, you’re also joined to their responsibilities as well. When you’re married, you have to ensure that you and your spouse are fed, housed, bills are paid, appointments kept, and so on and so forth. Single people have (generally) less responsibility and gives you again, more time to yourself to do what you want to do. You can hang out with your friends as much as you want. You’re also more in charge of your money. You don’t have to consult with your spouse before making a huge purchase. So if your single and have the means, buy the Louis Vuitton shoes now lol.

3. Grow Closer to God

Finally, and most importantly, being single means you have more time to spend with God. Take a day to fast and spend time with the Lord—sure, why not? Spend the rest of the night studying Levitical priesthood? Heck yes! Plan a trip to Israel next year? Hello! When I was single, I spent sooo much more time with God compared to when I was married. The Apostle Paul even says about single Christian women that they desire to serve God more compared to married Christian women,

“There is a difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit; but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:34).

When I was single, my desire was definitely to love on God as much as I could. God and I had movie nights, I would spend evenings fasting and praying; and I grew in my faith by leaps and bounds. This isn’t to say that you can’t continue to do these things in marriage, but its different. You have to consider what your husband might need or what you both have planned for the day, or what you need to do around the house. If I want to have a movie night with God, I’ll have to plan it out now. Growing in my faith takes a little more planning now that I’m married. Generally, EVERYTHING takes a lot more planning when you’re married compared to when you’re single.

I know how hard being single can be: you really, really want someone you can spend life with and love on. But Ecclesiastes 3:1 states, “for everything there is a time and a season.” If we put so much stock into getting married, and think our lives won’t begin until marriage; not only will you be wasting time to do the things God wants you to do NOW but you probably won’t get married because you’ve created an idol out of marriage. In Exodus 20:3 God says, “You will have no other gods before me.” God will withhold things from us if were creating gods out of them.

Trust me, I’ve been there so I get it. But when I stopped being hellbent on not being single-my life blossomed! I grew in my relationship with God, grew to love myself and know who I am in Christ, and volunteered a lot. And I got married once I stopped focusing so much on being married. You can do the same. If you have a desire to be married, I believe God gave you that desire. Psalm 37:4 says to “delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Notice what this promise says first-to delight yourself in the Lord FIRST. Then He will give you what you want.

For example, if you desire to preach the gospel to millions of people, its safe to say God placed that desire in your heart because He wants you to do that someday. And God will give you that desire: if you desire to preach the gospel to millions of people, He will make that happen. It’s the same with marriage. If you desire to be married, God will allow you to get married. But don’t let it be the end all be all. God should be our ultimate desire. When we have Him, we have everything.