Photo by Taryn Elliott on Pexels.com

It can be hard to wait to have sex before marriage. Especially when you face a daily bombardment  with of sex on tv shows, movies, music, music videos and books. Begging the question: should you consider no sex before marriage? Yes: let me tell you why. 

*This post is by no means to shame anyone who has not or chosen not to abstain from sex before marriage. On the contrary, I want to share some amazing benefits of abstaining from sex before marriage!* 

Stronger and Better Relationship

One benefit of not having sex before marriage is it strengthens your relationship. A 2010 study including 2,035 married participants who completed a questionnaire about their relationships revealed some insights into abstinence and marital benefits.

The researchers found, “couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship had relationship stability rated 22 percent higher, and relationship satisfaction was rated 20 percent higher.”

Dean Busby the lead researcher further elaborated, “There’s more to a relationship than sex, but we did find that those who waited longer were happier with the sexual aspect of their relationship.”

There is more to a relationship than sex: compatibility, life goals, morals, and values. Abstaining from sex allows you to learn other things about your spouse other than their anatomy. Which leads to my next point.

Strengthen Communication Skills

When you’re focused on other things other than sex you can learn a lot about your partner! What they like and dislike, and if you two are truly compatible or not. Which is another benefit of not having sex before marriage.

The study mentioned above revealed that couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship had 12% better communication. If you need a few conversation starters for you and your partner, check out my blog post here!

Learn Self-Discipline

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.” 1 Thessalonians 4: 3  

Another benefit of not having sex before marriage is you learn self-discipline. An area I’m growing in. If you’re wanting to be more disciplined, no other way than to practice abstinence. Self-discipline is especially important in marriage.

There will be times when you have to exercise self-discipline by holding your tongue and not lashing out against your spouse, or by holding your wallet and not spending a load of money on Shein.com when you’re on a budget (as in my case!).

Better Sex

One pretty important benefit of not having sex before marriage is once you get married, the sex can be better compared to couples’ sex lives who didn’t wait.

The aforementioned study found that compared to couples who didn’t wait until marriage to have sex, sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 percent better.

It makes sense. When you don’t have anyone else to compare your sexual experiences with, your sexual relationship with your spouse can grow unhindered. 

Bonus-God Warns Against Premarital Sex

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4 

If you’re a Christian, you know that the bible warns against premarital sex. God doesn’t say this to hurt us, or because He doesn’t want us to have fun. It’s because He cares for us and wants to protect us.  

I once heard a pastor describe sex as a fire: when in a controlled environment like a fireplace with a gate, it can be enjoyed for warmth and for making s’mores!

But when in an uncontrolled environment, fire can cause great harm: burning everything in its wake. In the confines of a committed marriage, sex can bring a lot of benefits. But outside of the confines of marriage, there is risk. Its up to you to decide if the risks outweigh the benefits.

Blessings,

M/M

Photo by Taryn Elliott on Pexels.com

It can be hard to wait to have sex before marriage. Especially when you face a daily bombardment  with of sex on tv shows, movies, music, music videos and books. Begging the question: should you consider no sex before marriage? Yes: let me tell you why. 

*This post is by no means to shame anyone who has not or chosen not to abstain from sex before marriage. On the contrary, I want to share some amazing benefits of abstaining from sex before marriage!* 

Stronger and Better Relationship

One benefit of not having sex before marriage is it strengthens your relationship. A 2010 study including 2,035 married participants who completed a questionnaire about their relationships revealed some insights into abstinence and marital benefits.

The researchers found, “couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship had relationship stability rated 22 percent higher, and relationship satisfaction was rated 20 percent higher.”

Dean Busby the lead researcher further elaborated, “There’s more to a relationship than sex, but we did find that those who waited longer were happier with the sexual aspect of their relationship.”

There is more to a relationship than sex: compatibility, life goals, morals, and values. Abstaining from sex allows you to learn other things about your spouse other than their anatomy. Which leads to my next point.

Strengthen Communication Skills

When you’re focused on other things other than sex you can learn a lot about your partner! What they like and dislike, and if you two are truly compatible or not. Which is another benefit of not having sex before marriage.

The study mentioned above revealed that couples who waited until marriage compared to those who started having sex in the early part of their relationship had 12% better communication. If you need a few conversation starters for you and your partner, check out my blog post here!

Learn Self-Discipline

“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.” 1 Thessalonians 4: 3  

Another benefit of not having sex before marriage is you learn self-discipline. An area I’m growing in. If you’re wanting to be more disciplined, no other way than to practice abstinence. Self-discipline is especially important in marriage.

There will be times when you have to exercise self-discipline by holding your tongue and not lashing out against your spouse, or by holding your wallet and not spending a load of money on Shein.com when you’re on a budget (as in my case!).

Better Sex

One pretty important benefit of not having sex before marriage is once you get married, the sex can be better compared to couples’ sex lives who didn’t wait.

The aforementioned study found that compared to couples who didn’t wait until marriage to have sex, sexual quality of the relationship was rated 15 percent better.

It makes sense. When you don’t have anyone else to compare your sexual experiences with, your sexual relationship with your spouse can grow unhindered. 

Bonus-God Warns Against Premarital Sex

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4 

If you’re a Christian, you know that the bible warns against premarital sex. God doesn’t say this to hurt us, or because He doesn’t want us to have fun. It’s because He cares for us and wants to protect us.  

I once heard a pastor describe sex as a fire: when in a controlled environment like a fireplace with a gate, it can be enjoyed for warmth and for making s’mores!

But when in an uncontrolled environment, fire can cause great harm: burning everything in its wake. In the confines of a committed marriage, sex can bring a lot of benefits. But outside of the confines of marriage, there is risk. Its up to you to decide if the risks outweigh the benefits.

Blessings,

M/M

8 Bible Verses for Wives You Need to Know

Photo by Rahul Shah on Pexels.com

The Bible is relevant for every aspect of our lives-including us wives. Sometimes it can be hard to be married. It can be hard to please God as a wife. But thankfully, God gives us grace when we fail. He also provides His word that is a great guide for this season of your life as a wife. So, let’s take a look at some bible verses for wives to know.  

Wives Desire Your Husband

“Unto the woman he said… thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.” Genesis 3:16, KJV.  

God gave us women a strong desire or longing for our husbands. This ties to 1 Corinthians 7:34 where Paul explains, 

“There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:34, KJV. 

I know the last part of Genesis 3:16 can leave a bad taste in some women’s mouths: “he shall rule over thee.” But God didn’t intend marriage to be a dictatorship where the man barks out orders to his wife for her to blindly follow in fear.

Wives, Submit to Hubby

Men and women are equal in God’s eyes, as Paul states, 

“There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for “you are all one in Christ Jesus (Galatians 3:28, KJV).” 

So we are all equal in God’s eyes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have the same roles. Men were called by God to lead the homes, and the marriage relationship. But that doesn’t mean wives have no say.  

When we submit to our husbands we please God.  Submission, as I explain in my post about submission in marriage, is about respecting your husband as the head of the home, accountable to God as the leader of the family.

“Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord.” Colossians 3:18, KJV.  

Wives, Be Kind

It’s also important to be kind, speak and act in love toward everyone, and be faithful at all times  which can prove hard but we please God when we do so as 1 Timothy 3: 11 says,

“their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things (ESV).” 

The way we speak is super important as well. We as wives need to learn to be prudent: to think before we speak and use our words with wisdom. Titus 3:4-5 provides some good insight into this as well. 

“And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled (ESV).” 

 When we love our husbands and children, are self-controlled, pure, take care of our homes, are kind and submissive to our husbands we ensure the word of God isn’t blasphemed.  

Why? Because we are living out what the word says and others around us see the good fruit that comes when we do what the word says.  

The Example of the Proverbs 31 Wife

Finally, take the example and testimony of the Proverbs 31 wife:

“An excellent wife who can find?  

She is far more precious than jewels. 
The heart of her husband trusts in her, 
    and he will have no lack of gain. 

 She does him good, and not harm, 
    all the days of her life. 

 She seeks wool and flax, 
    and works with willing hands. 
 She is like the ships of the merchant; 
    she brings her food from afar. 
 She rises while it is yet night 
    and provides food for her household 
    and portions for her maidens. 

 She considers a field and buys it; 
    with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. 
She dresses herself with strength 
    and makes her arms strong. 
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. 
    Her lamp does not go out at night 

She puts her hands to the distaff, 
    and her hands hold the spindle. 
 She opens her hand to the poor 
    and reaches out her hands to the needy. 
She is not afraid of snow for her household, 
    for all her household are clothed in scarlet. 
She makes bed coverings for herself; 
    her clothing is fine linen and purple. 
 Her husband is known in the gates 
    when he sits among the elders of the land. 
 She makes linen garments and sells them; 
    she delivers sashes to the merchant. 
 Strength and dignity are her clothing, 
    and she laughs at the time to come. 
She opens her mouth with wisdom, 
    and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 
She looks well to the ways of her household 
    and does not eat the bread of idleness. 
 Her children rise up and call her blessed; 
    her husband also, and he praises her: 

“Many women have done excellently, 
    but you surpass them all.” 
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, 
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. 
 Give her of the fruit of her hands, 
    and let her works praise her in the gates.” 

This woman is a force! She has her own business, she takes care of the needs of her household, she gets up early to work, she takes care of herself by eating well and strengthening her arms, she opens her mouth with wisdom, and she is a giver. 

Her children, and those around her call her blessed because of the woman she is. A few things I noticed about this passage is that the first things spoken about her is her husband trusts her-this is a biggie. It’s so important to have the trusts of our husbands. Her character: her selflessness, kindness, hard work, chastity, and prudence enabled her husband to trust her.  

Another thing to take notice: the passage doesn’t mention her beauty. Perhaps because her inner beauty of character far exceeds her outward beauty. The only physical description we get of her is her strong arms. Perhaps because the Lord is more concerned with our beauty within, as 1 Peter 3: 3 says, 

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious (ESV).” 

Conclusion

Now, I’m not saying how you present yourself doesn’t matter. I’m saying to take care of your attitude and inner man just as much as you take care of your outer man. I talk more about beauty in this post. These bible verses for wives are definitely some to commit to memory: write them down, put them on pot-it notes, read them daily. I am sure they will change your life as they have mine. 

Blessings, 

M/M 

Marriage Mondays: Encouraging Respect for Your Husband

Photo by Emma Bauso on Pexels.com

This valentines day, show love to your husband or boyfriend in the way he’ll appreciate most. According to Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in his bestselling book “Love and Respect,” women desire to be loved, while men (also desire to be loved obviously) but they desire respect more so.

So, lets discuss some encouraging respect for your husband by showing them we respect them.

What is His Love Language?

First, it’s important to know what his love language is. According to Gary Chapman, bestselling author of “The 5 Love Languages” there are five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts.

Does your husband seem to enjoy gifts? Give your gift with an encouraging love note (we’ll get to said words later). Or does he get excited when you spend time with him? Speak some encouraging words to him when you’re alone with him.

Knowing your husband’s love language is a special touch to add when encouraging respect for your husband. But, as I mentioned above, its important to know what encouraging words for your husband, which leads to the next point.

What do You Tell Him?

Decide what you will say. Don’t write a cookie-cutter, fortune cookie message. Be specific about what you admire or respect about him. According to Dr. Eggerichs, men desire to be admired and respected.

Think up some reasons why you admire him. If you’re having some trouble thinking of things, go back to when you were engaged: what did you admire about him? What drew you to him?

Some ideas:

This is why I respect you….

I respect you because…

I’m so glad you chose me to be your wife

I’m proud to be your wife because…

I believe in you.

You’re the strongest (and/or sexiest) man I know

You’re such a great protector

You’re such a hard worker because…

I appreciate how hard you work every day for our family

You’re the most hardworking man I know because…

Say these things or make little notes for him to find (lunchbox, work desk, etc). But why are these notes based on respect or admiration? Well, most men desire respect more than love. Not to say they don’t want love, but most men want respect more.

After surveying hundreds of men, Shaunti Feldhahn author of “For Women Only” found that 74% of men said they would rather feel unloved than disrespected. Respect is a big deal for men. If you want to show your man how much you adore him, show him some respect.

Conclusion

Men endure a lot-as the leaders of the home they carry a heavy burden. It’s important to uplift and encourage the men we love in our lives. Not just our husbands, but also our brothers, and fathers or father-figures. On a side note, another way to show respect for your husband is to show submission to him. You can read more about submission in my article “what does submission mean in marriage” here.

I love gassing up my husband. No one should be better at gassing up my man than me. Surely there will be others who will encourage him-whether at work or elsewhere. So, make sure it’s you, his leading lady, who is giving him the utmost encouragement and respect he craves!

Blessings,

M/M

P.S.

Check out the aforementioned books below to revamp and grow your marriage!

4 Tips for a Beautiful and Budget-Friendly Wedding

Photo by Emma Bauso on Pexels.com

Weddings are great. They can be the most exciting day of your life. But, they can also be pretty expensive. So, I’ve provided 4

tips for a beautiful and budget-friendly wedding! 

1. Guests 

Guest-lists are a great place to start for a beautiful and budget-friendly wedding. Because each person means one meal, one seat, one favor, etc. So a few tips for narrowing your guest-list: 

-Are you both close (I.e. do you depend on each other, known each other for a while, your family and other friends know them, etc.) or are you just trying to be nice? 

-Did you go to their wedding? 

-Do you think they be in your life 5 years from now? 10 years from now? 

Don’t be afraid to remove people from your list. I had a huge list when I started wedding planning but I realized that is not realistic for me. Because like I said above, every person has to get a meal, and a chair; and those things cost money. So, you’re gonna have to pay for it. Be realistic with your list: your wallet (and spouse) will thank you. 

2. Venue 

The venue is so important for the aesthetic, comfort, and photos of your wedding! But many venues will jack up their prices if you book the place for a wedding. So here are a few tips to keep in mind. 

-State park: I had my wedding at a state park and it cost around $280. Check state parks near you, many of them have beautiful natural views, or even areas for reception. 

-Airbnb: You MUST tell the host you plan on hosting a wedding. This is a great option because you can choose a house with enough rooms to host your wedding party, the reception and the ceremony (heck, even the honeymoon if you want!). Since you’ll be staying in a rental property, you could pay a fraction of the price of a hotel wedding. 

Church: If you are a member of a local church, they could allow you to host a wedding there. Again, some churches will only allow members to get married there so do some research before throwing your money at that neighborhood church with the beautiful stained glass windows. If the church is big enough and has a kitchen, you can have the reception there too! 

-Beach: If you live in a state with beaches, there are many businesses that have all-in-one wedding packages that include chairs, an officiant, appetizers, and a take-home gift! They often range from accommodating 2 people up to 30 people (the ones in Florida at least). Now all you have to do is find a nice restaurant nearby to have the reception which leads to my next tip to have a beautiful and budget-friendly wedding. 

3. Cake

For all you sweet-tooths out there I have some great options for you to get a great and affordable cake! 

-Can you or a friend bake? I love DIYing and even considered baking my own wedding cake. Youtube University is a great resource to use! Or even a friend or family member who can make a cake for you. 

-Costco or a Grocery store: You can buy a simple sheetcake, or a layered cake from a big-box store like Costco or Bjs for a good price. You can even get a small sheetcake or personal cake for you and your spouse to enjoy and take pictures with then supplement that with a dessert table! 

-Have a Dessert Table Instead: Or just have a dessert table instead. 

4. Decorations and Fun

For everything else that will make your wedding amazing see the list below. 

-Buy Fake Flowers: They make really nice fake flowers these days. You can get really nice and affordable ones from Amazon or Hobby Lobby! 

-Fun things: Volleyball, block Jenga that guests can sign, bubbles and sparklers try Walmart or Amazon! 

Conclusion

While the wedding day can be an amazing, fun, memorable day it’s important to remember that its only one day out of many days you’ll enjoy with your spouse. So don’t get too caught up in planning the wedding that you aren’t set up for the period after the wedding. Ask yourself: Will buying this put my spouse and I in debt?  

Please don’t think I’m telling you to not have a beautiful, spectacular wedding! Work with your spouse and whoever else is involved in planning the wedding budget. Also, check out my post for best advice for newlyweds here!

Blessings, 

M/M 

How Satan Plans to Destroy Your Marriage Through Your Mind

The Bible tells us in John 10:10 that Satan comes to steal , kill, and destroy. He doesnt just want to destroy your life, he also wants to destroy your marriage.

Why?

Everything good that God creates, Satan hates. He wants to twist it, and make it evil. Not only that, but he hates unity, and will di anything to divide your marriage. Don’t let him do that to your marriage!

Satan is very crafty, and cunning. He won’t attack you right in the open so you know its him. He will be stealthy. The Bible warns us to be aware of Satan’s tricks unless he’ll trip us up. And he will often use us as the enemy to drive us away from our spouses.

What are some of Satan’s tricks to destroy your marriage? Let’s see.

He’ll Attack Your Thoughts

I once heard a pastor teach how Satan attacks your thinking. He said Satan will speak thoughts into your head in a way that sounds like its you thinking those things.

Thoughts like,

“My husband is an idiot.”

“He doesn’t think I’m pretty.”

Of course, these thoughts could be from you or from Satan. Either way, talk back to yourself-“my husband is not an idiot.” Or ask your husband, “do you think I’m pretty?” To get the reassurance you need.

The Bible calls us to take control over our unruly thoughts in 2 Corinthians 10:5,

“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ…”

Satan dwells in the shadows. Expose his little lies by simply going to your partner and seeking the truth yourself. He’s riding on you dwelling on these thoughts for hours and days, and eventually believing them to be true.

Which is why the Bible also commands us to only think on good, positive things in Philippians 4:8,

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Again, its so important to be watching what you think. Watching your thoughts will also reveal what demonic spirit could be trying to influence you.

Watch Your Thoughts

Demons can identify themselves by the thoughts you hear in your mind. You can tell the thoughts are not your own usually if they are something you’ve never thoguht before, something way out of left field, or dramatic.

Such as:

-constant angry thoughts could be a sign of a spirit of anger

-sinful thoughts

-thoughts of harm

If you notice any of these thoughts pop into your head, rebuke them and speak Philippians 4:8 mentioned above. It’s important to not consider these thoughts for a moment, and to rebuke them.

Also, sometimes evil thoughts can be from us since we are inherently sinful. But sometimes spirits do come and try to influence us. If you entertain them you will have a problem. And if you give them a way in through what you watch or listen to, that’s another problem.

Be Careful What You Watch

Certain tv shows, music, and movies can open up a door way for Satan to come in. Such as?

-Movies or shows that invoke spirit of fear like horror movies

-Porn or other sexually explicit entertainment

Horror movies because God doesn’t call us to a spirit of fear as 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us,

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Porn because the Bible warns us to run from sexual immorality in 1 Corinthians 6:18. “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”

“But its just a movie.”

“it’s Just a show!”

You might be lamenting. What you watch and listen to can affect how you think about yourself and others.

Why do I think my husband is a bozo after watching Real Housewives of Atlanta all week (just an example, I hate reality tv)? Or why do I think my husband could be cheating on me after watching Tyler Perry’s Temptation?

That’s why King David wisely said in Psalms 101:3, “I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me.”

The things we watch, and listen to can have an effect on us and be an opening for Satan to destroy our marriages through our minds.

Conclusion

All wisdom comes from God. If youre unsure about a tv show, movie, someone in your life, or even going somewhere, ask the Lord for wisdom. Does he want you to continue watching or listening to that?

Before you leave the house every day Put on the whole armor of God daily (Ephesians 6:11-18). Ask the Lord to give you discernment to know what is good and what is evil.

God wants us to have happy marriages. Don’t let little thoughts these sink root in your mind and cause an argument, or a root of bitterness in yourself and your marriage. Expose these lies for what they are and live free!

Blessings,

M/M

Bible Verses for Your Worst Days in Marriage

Marriage can be tough. Really tough. But the Bible is an amazing resource to help you keep your marriage strong.

The Bible can be used for every area of our lives: including marriage. Check out the following Bible verses for your worst days in marriage.

When You Don’t Want to Forgive

Forgive your spouse, although you may not want to

We all mess up. It takes acknowledgement of that to forgive someone else: especially loved ones.

If you’re struggling to forgive, start by praying for your spouse. When Jesus was on the cross, He prayed for his murderers and accusers for God to forgive them.

Forgiveness is mostly for you. Unforgiveness can easily lead to bitterness. Plus, in marriage you or your spouse are bound to mess up.

None of us are perfect and we all mess up. Forgiving one another needs to be something we do on a daily basis.

Doing so will prevent us from harboring unforgiveness which can lead to not only bitterness, but also a lack of love. Which leads to my next point.

When You Want to Don’t Want to Love Your Spouse

When you’re hurt or annoyed by your spouse, it can be hard to show love for them. But God commands us to love each other. In spite of our faults, and hurts.

It’s important to show love. Loving each other in spite of our faults will grow you to another level as a christian and a spouse. Which leads to my next point: when your spouse is wrong about something.

When Your Spouse is Wrong

For me, if I feel my spouse is wrong about something and they dont agree, instead of arguing I go pray. The Lord can bring peace to any situation. Prayer works.

Doing this brings peace to me as well that the situation is in God’s hands. It also helps me from being so angry.

And after you pray for your spouse, show them love. Cook dinner, help them throughout the day. Be good to them still, which will not only shower on guilt but get them thinking about the disagreement. As the next verse explains,

Conclusion

Marriage can be hard, but the Bible provides instructions for your worst days in marriage.

Study these verses, and do what it says and it could help you and your marriage grow better. So study these verses, pray them over you and your spouse. For more verses for wives to know check out this post.

Blessings,

M/M

How Soon is Too Soon to Propose?

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

When you meet that special someone, most of us are already imagining our wedding day with them and  ensuing future together. But, if you just met the person recently, you (and your friends and family) will want to know when is a good time to get engaged? And, how soon is too soon?

Well, there are many things to consider before the engagement.

Is This Just Lust?

According to certified matchmaker Shilpa Gandhi, its important to consider that marrying within a few weeks or days of meeting someone may be a product of attraction and list for each other and not loving commitment.

So, before you elope after a few days of meeting someone make sure you take the time to get to know them because it may be lust. Be a little investigator: asking friends and family about them. See more in my post on questions to ask before marriage here.

Important things to consider:

-family in the future

-similar values/religious views?

-finances/work (including debt and bills)

-living situation (now and after marriage?)

I Have to be Sure, Though!

Shilpa Gandhi says 3-6 months is a good time between meeting and engagement. However, there are some experts that believe it’s best to wait a few years before engagement. I disagree. You don’t have to spend years living life with someone you already know you want to spend the rest of your life with instead of marrying them.

Thinking you must wait to see how they react to death, or see how they respond to jealousy, or this or that. You can get that information from their family or friends.

But no matter how many questions you ask, you won’t get those answers until years of experience with them. So, if you and your partner agree on values, life goals, expectations, finances and there are no red flags, why not just get married?

There are so many things you learn about someone after marriage and living life with them. Plus, wouldn’t you rather go through the trials of life married with a life partner to be there with you?

Conclusion

Yes, I understand there are instances where its better to wait (i.e., finances, school, etc.). But please consider this: life is going to happen anyway. You will never truly have everything perfect.

If you’re a Christian, consider that if you’ve given your life to the Lord, He may have you experience a short or a long engagement. He told me my engagement would be short (met in January engaged in June). So be prayerful and fast about a timeline. And allow Him to confirm (relationship and engagement) so you don’t get your hopes up and jump the gun.  

Blessings,

M/M

What Does Submission Mean in Marriage?

Photo by Shukhrat Umarov on Pexels.com

Submission: a confusing and polarizing word. Many people see submission in many different ways: some good, and some bad. Let’s dispel some of those misconceptions and discuss what submission means in marriage and what submission doesn’t mean in marriage. 

Submission Doesn’t Mean You are a Doormat

Usually when people think about submission they think that women are virtually slaves to their husbands. That wives have to keep their mouths shut and do everything their husbands say to do. This is absolutely false. Marriage is first of all a partnership. Husband and wife do life together as a unit. Therefore, the wife is not a slave, but a partner. Your opinion as a wife matters. The husband, as your life partner, will (or should) consider your opinions.

See, when you have a good man, its easy to submit to him because you know he has your best interests at heart. Its also easy when you know he won’t lead you down the wrong path. There shouldn’t be any question that your opinion matters, because he will consider it.

Submission Doesn’t Mean You Follow Your Husband Down a Wrong Path 

It’s so important before you get married to consider where your future husband is going: does he have goals for the future? What are they? Will he take care of you and your future kids (if you want any)? I once heard a pastor says, “Submission is getting under the mission of your husband.”

That couldn’t be more true. In marriage, we wives are helpmates for our husbands- partnering with them as they lead us and our family through life. This can be hard for some women who are natural leaders. But when we as wives respect our husbands as the leaders of the marriage, things will go well because we’re honoring how God wants marriage to be. Actually, submission is what God calls everyone to do. As you’ll see below.

Submission Doesn’t Mean Only the Wife Submits 

Wives are not the only ones called to submit in marriage. Most people quote this verse when talking about wives’ submission to their husbands,

“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands,” Ephesians 5:24 (ESV).

But they overlook the next verse which says,

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” Ephesians 5:25 (ESV).

God designed marriage to be set up as an mirror of the relationship of Christ to the church. The church submits to Christ, and Christ submits to God. In the same way, the wife submits to the husband and the husband submits to Christ.

“For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior,” Ephesians 5:24.

But Christ was the ultimate example of submission. He submitted to God’s will even to the point of death (see Matthew 26:36-56). God expects us to submit as well.

Husbands are to submit to their wives by loving them and giving their lives for them. Husbands have a heavy responsibility as the heads of the home.

Submission Ultimately Means Respect

Submission can be hard. Especially if you’ve never had it modeled to you in childhood. But ultimately, submission means respect. Respecting your husband as the head of the home, provider and leader. Usually that means considering his opinion on critical decisions or situations in the relationship (usually about money decisions) and not making big decisions without his input.

 I respect my husband as the head of our home, I don’t undermine his authority, or belittle him. Before making any big decisions (ie. School plans, financial decisions, work changes) I ask him for his input.  He submits to me as well. Mostly about things around the house or the dog.

Really we all submit to somebody-whether its a boss, a parent, an older sibling. Submission is designed to keep us accountable.

Blessings,

M/M

Couple Fights-How to Argue as a Couple

Photo by Vera Arsic on Pexels.com

Couples are bound to argue. Being able to fight in marriage or any relationship is so crucial to a healthy marriage or relationship. Are you ready to learn how to have couple fights? Let’s get started.

Do We Both feel Understood?

Make sure you’re arguing without blaming or criticizing each other but arguing to understand what each other are feeling.

Example of what not to say in a couple fight:

“You’re always thinking about yourself! You never think about me.”

“You think I’m a bad person.”

“You hate me!”

Notice these statements are very criticizing and make assumptions. Do your best to avoid making assumptions about why your spouse did something-you won’t know for sure why someone does something until you ask them. 

Do not criticize your spouse. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, created a list of four things that lead to divorce, or the four horsemen of divorce. 

Criticism is one of the four horsemen of divorce. There’s a difference between offering a critique, and criticizing: critique comes from a partner who seeks to help their partner be better, while criticizing comes from a partner who seeks to put down their partner. 

Example of what to say in a couple fight:

“I felt this way because…”

“I thought this when you did this…”

These statements are questioning. This partner is trying to understand why their partner did something or said something. 

Be like a detective, try to solve the why of what happened or what was said. Turn all that anger and frustration into a drive to understand why your partner did what they did. Seeking to understand is also important because it ensures respect. Which is the next point.

Are We Respecting Each Other?

A big part of love is respect. When you respect someone you won’t make them feel stupid. Make sure you’re respecting each other even when you don’t agree with them! 

If you feel disrespected in an argument, you both have already lost because disrespect easily leads to contempt. And contempt is one of the four horseman of divorce. 

You and your partner are two different people with different backgrounds, experiences, thoughts, feelings, etc. so it would make sense you both would disagree on things! 

But just because you’re different doesn’t mean you should disrespect each other. Work to respect each other’s opinions and feelings. Learn more about respecting your husband in my post here.

If you feel particularly heated, take a five minute break to blow off steam, separate and gather your thoughts together. But DONT stonewall: stonewalling is when you completely shut down in an argument.

Stonewalling is another horseman of divorce. This is an easy way out that should never be taken because nothing gets solved that way-you’re not communicating anymore. So no one wins. Winning is the final goal!

Do We Both Win?

You should (or try to) argue with a goal in mind. Notably, this can take a lot of self-control especially if you’re angry. It can be easy to get defensive, and be blind to your own feelings (we’ve all been there).

Defensiveness is one of the four horsemen of divorce. Defensiveness causes division between you and your spouse when you should be united. So, try to argue with a goal in mind. Don’t let the goal be to blow off at each other. 

Instead come up with a compromise. That way there won’t be one winner at the end of a couple fight-there should be two winners. 

Conclusion

I believe arguments can be productive. You can end an argument amicably. If you need to bring a person in who can be unbiased. Respect, seeking to understand, and ensuring you both win is so important to ensure you and your partner argue well. If you want to read more on communicating better with your partner, check out Dr. Gottman’s book below on the four horsemen of divorce. 

*Bonus tip: don’t go to bed angry!

Blessings,

M/M

Best Advice for Newlyweds: 8 Tips for a Great Start!

Photo by Anastasiya Lobanovskaya on Pexels.com

Getting married is such a huge milestone in life! With the joy, and love you feel after you get married it’s important to keep in mind that marriage takes work. The first year of marriage is often touted as the hardest year. Probably because 40-50% of marriages end in divorce in the first year (roughly 10%). So with that in mind, here is the best advice for newlyweds.

Communicate Often and Without Blaming

I never like to beat a dead horse, but communication is so important in marriage.  Miscommunications or not communicating at all can be a cause of a plethora of problems in marriage. Especially in your first year when you’re still getting to know your spouse.

Talk about everything with your spouse-your fears, your worries, your plans. You can never over-communicate. Your spouse could be your best friend if you both are open, honest, and truthful with each other. Not harboring bad thoughts or feelings about them or assuming things-Which leads to the next point. Do not assume!

2. Assume the best, not the worst 

This is a big one. This tip is some of the best advice for newlyweds because it’s easy to assume your spouse wishes to do you wrong when it happens. But it’s harder to think otherwise. Most spouses are good and don’t truly hope to bring harm to their spouses. Yet we often assume our spouse intends to hurt us. 

So, try to assume the best when a situation arises, and ask questions like: “it hurt when you said this, did you mean to say that?” or “it hurt me when you did this.” Let the emphasis be on how you felt in the situation, not on attacking them for making you feel that way.  

3. Create Boundaries

The next tip is very important: boundaries. Like I mentioned in my article “How to have healthy boundaries in marriage.”  

Definitely check that out for more information on this topic. The best advice for newlyweds would definitely be boundaries! Boundaries are very important when you get married. They ensure that you and your spouse can have a peaceful home and marriage where you both establish a new family while still included the extended family of parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.

These boundaries can be upheld by maintaining respect for your spouse among family and friends, and setting up physical boundaries (I.e., not living with family or friends if you can help it) and nonphysical boundaries (I.e., not gossiping about your spouse to family or friends).

4. Don’t go to Bed Angry

A simple, but effective tip! It forces you to communicate and work things out without the luxury of waiting until tomorrow. The bible even warns this in Ephesians 4:26, “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”  

5. Have Common Goals

Having common goals with your spouse not only keeps you both on the same page but it gives you something to look forward to. Tell your spouse what you want out of life: do you want kids in five years? Do you never want to own a house? It’s important to bring up important life goals so you both have something to look forward to and work toward.  

6. Do Life Together

Having common goals allows you to do life together. Your marriage should never feel like a glorified roommate situation. If it does, try to start doing life together- involve your spouse in your desires and goals for yourself and make it a joint effort. With the help of your spouse (and their input) reaching your goals could be a lot easier.  

7. Be Your Spouse’s Dream Person

This tip is one of the most important in my opinion. Be the best version of your spouse. You’re going to be married for life and you never want to get bored with your spouse or they get bored with you.

Do your best to be your best! Take care of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually. Make it a priority to keep up with your appearance. Of course, with age, our bodies change, but I believe you can be attractive to your spouse at any age. This leads to my next point: never stop pursuing each other. 

8. Always Pursue Each Other

Photo by Asad Photo Maldives on Pexels.com

You can be as flirtatious as you want with your spouse. Like communication, you can never flirt too much. Send each other texts, leave messages around the house or in the car for each other. Tell your spouse he’s the finest man you’ve ever met. Let him know every day how much you adore them. Never stop pursuing. No one wants a dull marriage where you’re with each other just to be with each other.  Make your marriage fun!  

It’s important to know that these tips will be somewhat easy to do when you’re newlyweds. But make these tips lifetime priorities. Especially pursuing your spouse.  

Blessings,

M/M